“Based on your history Hadiyyah, and the symptoms, it is evident that you will miscarry.”
We’ve been down this road before but this time hearing it seemed worse. This was something that we have prepared for. This was something we have planned. I did not want to believe her. My heart would not let me. She was wrong. That was on a Thursday. We left for Puerto Rico that Friday. I miscarried on our return from Puerto Rico the following Friday inside of the airport. Blood began to gush down my legs as the cramps got stronger and stronger. I ran to the bathroom. My husband tried to console me, he could not. I knew what was happening and I was devastated for the third time. It was our third miscarriage in four years.
As soon as we got back to Maryland hours later I ran to my OBGYN’s office. She wasn’t surprised but I thought a miracle would happen because the whole time we were in Puerto Rico I had only minor cramping and light bleeding. She was right. I was wrong. I had to go back to her office every other day to have blood drawn to make sure that my hormone levels were decreasing and that my body was naturally miscarrying. Because I practice holistic healing I did not want a D&C surgery or to take a pill to ensure a complete miscarriage. Wow….It took a whole MONTH for my body to fully miscarry!
During that time I experienced anger, sadness, depression, guilt, anxiety, fear, loneliness and despair. I resented my husband because to me the miscarriage was HIS fault. He insisted on having sex with me knowing I was a high risk. He was selfish. I convinced myself that he talked me into having another child and he had NO idea what I was going through. One day, after about a month of feeling deeply depressed I heard a spirit whisper, “YOU ARE A MOTHER. That little girl needs you. Pull it together.” My daughter was 8. Tears began to flow as I responded, “Ok. I AM A MOTHER and LYRIC NEEDS ME!” I got out of bed, went in Lyric’s room, gave her the biggest hug and kiss, went downstairs in our minimalist living room, rolled out my yoga mat, took a deep breath and flowed. In that hour I experienced healing! I remembered was it was like to breathe and let go! I remembered joy, inner peace, and tenacity! I remembered that my life still has purpose! That was December 2016.
In October 2017, I separated from my husband, moved back in with my parents in New Jersey, and enrolled in Yoga Teacher Training. Yoga Teacher Training started in February 2018 and has changed my life! I went to the training in hopes to deepen my practice, to heal parts of me that still needed healing, and to connect with people who were on the same journey. Boy did I receive so much more than what I hoped or even dreamed of! Not only was I able to heal from some shit, but I was also able to reconnect with my divine purpose of opening up a yoga studio for people who look like me, whether it was skin color or body type. We were being underrepresented in the yoga community, on TV, and on social media. I wanted to make a difference. Black Girls Do Yoga! It wasn’t by chance that the Universe brought me back to New Jersey. Everything in life happens for a reason!
It was in yoga teacher training that I decided that I was going to open up a yoga studio in my hometown of Linden, New Jersey. I was not only going to be the first yoga studio in Linden but also make history by being the first BLACK OWNED yoga studio in Linden! I did not know how I was going to do it but I knew that the universe would make a way. I started brainstorming on names of the yoga studio right after yoga teacher training ended in April. I knew I wanted the name to have great power in its meaning. I knew I wanted to set myself apart from other yoga studios. After about a month of researching and brainstorming Lotus Soul Yoga was Birthed! Lotus Soul is a constant reminder that from the mud of adversity we all have the ability to rise, bloom out of the darkness, and radiate into the world! Like the lotus flower that is born out of mud, we must honor the darkest parts of ourselves and the most painful of our life’s experiences, because they are what allow us to birth our most beautiful self! I went from having addictive parents, to homelessness, to domestic violence, to separation, and most recently the transition of my grandma who was a mother to me. I WAS the Lotus!
I lost my grandmother on August 22, 2018, and I took it tough. I did not know HOW I would move forward with the grand opening of Lotus Soul Yoga. One day I found myself crying thinking of one of the last conversations we had before she became terminally ill. It was right after I graduated from yoga teacher training. She called me in her room and said, “I am proud of you Boogie (a name she had given me as a baby). All I ever wanted was for you to finish what you started and you did it. I am so proud of you. Let me see that certificate.” As I am reflecting on this with tears in my eyes I heard her whisper, “Be strong. You got this Boog! You got this.” I sobbed hysterically! I yelled, “But I don’t want to be strong!” She whispered, “But you are and you got this.”
Our grand opening was January 2019! My grandma was right! Her blood runs in, through, and around my veins! I come from greatness! She was the most resilient person I know. I am so grateful to have been loved by her. I am a reflection of ALL that she was! I hope my like speaks in a way that she’d be proud of. We made history on January 2, 2019. Exactly one month after her (grandma) birthday. (I chose this date with purpose). The twos are powerful numbers and they are always present in my life! I am thankful. What a divine unfolding of Hadiyyah! Through it ALL, I am STILL STANDING! Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave, I am the dream and the hope of the slave. I Rise!! YOU Rise! WE RISE!!!!
A sincere thank you to you Carmel for providing this platform. For giving me the opportunity to heal through sharing. For standing authentically in your power and giving others permission to do the same. May what you have sown be returned to you multiplied. Keep Shining! The world needs your beautiful light beautiful Soul!
Lotus Soul Yoga
200 Jefferson Avenue
Linden, NJ 07036